Times like this...

I'm stressed, I have been munching, I've had an anxiety attack and I could really use a hot bath, but my son is in the tub.

I could really use a 2nd bathroom right about now.

Today was my final exam in class, my computer went wonky and I'm anxious.

This sucks!

OCD and getting turned around

My son has ADHD, anxiety, and slight obsessive disorder. He has patterns and routines.

Tonight, him and a friend went for a walk. It got dark and they got turned around, ending up in a area they had not planned on.

They got back on track and he called me to tell me they were on their way back. I could hear the anxiety in his voice and breathing.

His friend doesn't know about this.

When he got home, he was short and snippy. Then he started to tear up. Yep, I'm a mom, I hit the nail on the head when I asked him if the stress was from "getting lost". Yep, sure enough... And then the flood gates opened and he sobbed.

This is sometime I have learned to recognize and defuse but it's tough when his mood is sharp.

He is in a hot bath and relaxing. Time for bed... Its been a long day...

Early morning church, breakfast, movie, family dinner, went for a walk, went to his friend's, went for another walk, got turned around, and finally got home...

Oh yeah, long day...

Happy Easter everyone!

Why?

My son and I can be in the same room for hours but the only time he decides to talk, its when I'm trying to watch my TV show... go figure!

anxiety

My birthday is coming up which then leads into the holiday season.
Every year, the holidays take me down. I don't seem to enjoy them. They seem to depress me. I can't find happiness. Holidays make me sad. I feel bad for my son because I get lost during these days. I get sad and grow distant. I don't look forward to them because my mood has shattered this way at least the past 5 years or so. Not sure what triggered it, but it happens! Last year we went out for my birthday and did special things, but it wasn't a big deal. I don't want people to fuss over me. It's not me.
Does anyone else suffer this way? Does anyone else feel like this?

stress and distress

Part of me felt bad because I just dropped the class I was currently in, due to stress and anxiety.

But as I think about it, it is my body's way of putting it's foot down.

I have been taking classes for almost 11 straight months, 5 weeks each, back to back. I have also had my son gone a week, my mom with a stroke, my own self changing jobs, my mom having surgery, and more.

I think God is telling me to stop a moment....

Need to Admit it to myself

I have had so many things going on lately, that I just don't know which way my world is spinning.

I finally had to suck it up and tell my teacher that I cannot honestly apply myself to the class I am currently taking. I have been so out of it and now the anxiety I feel by being behind is killing me.

I understand that I will need to pay to retake this class, but the anxiety will push me further down the road of sickness if I don't face the reality. Honest, I didn't want to do it, but I had to make that decision.

I hate having to make these decisions, but this one was for my own sanity.


 

Today... it might be tough

Today is a new day. It's been a long week and there is so much things happening. But those things are not what is going to make today tough...

My son will be 15 this summer. We have been a two-person family since his dad walked out of his life approximately 8 years ago, so we have each other and that is how it's been all these years.

Anyway... this afternoon he leaves for a church mission trip. The kids leave today and won't be home until next weekend. I am excited... he is excited, but what has been in my mind... was said out loud by him...

Last night at dinner, he looked up at me and said "this will be the longest we have been apart". He did have those same thoughts. Until today, we have never been apart more than 1 or 2 nights. This is going to be so much more. I know he will be in safe hands and he will be having a good time... it's just that initial shock of having my buddy and companion gone for a whole week.

I am prepared (kinda), but I am still a mom.

 

Tuesday overload

My brain hurts. I am seriously having difficulties focusing today. I am not sure why, but I can feel it. My brain feels like mush and my head is kind of swimming. I took my anxiety pill, trying to regain my focus. It seems like my brain has been on fast-forward since last week and I can't seem to get my bearings. I am not exactly sure what is happening but it's surreal. I can't focus to save my life. My desk looks like a bomb exploded on it. I am not clear on why it's all so fuzzy... but it is...

 

Too early, my brain hurts!

I tried to get on track and leave work last night, leaving myself a list of things "to do" today when I came in.

OK - OVERLOAD!!!! I am (literally) swimming in my brain. I suddenly have no idea where to start or which way to go. I have a list, yes, that is true, but from that point on, I am staring at those words on the page like they are written in alien.

Guess that making a list doesn't work. Neither does leaving things out on my desk. I walk in and have a heart murmur... I can't stand it. I am such a nutcase it's not funny!

Ok, random vent

PICTURE THIS....    Kitchen countertop, right next to the sink, dishcloth on the faucet, small garbage container at the back of the counter.

I just walked out to get a leisurely glass of sauv blanc and there are crumbs all over the counter!

This is not my first experience with shouting "how flipping hard is it to wipe the crumbs off the counter, into the sink?!"

The two of them then look at me in a speechless deer-in-the-headlights "I don't understand" response!

OMG! I'm too obsessive to leave the mess and they're too lazy to clean it up! WOW!?

Non-stop and not-understanding

I have been busy. I work a full time job (45+ hours/wk). I also am going back for my B.A. in Business and raising a teenage son. I do not get help from my ex, he doesn't support us, and since we haven't seen him in over 6 years, he could be dead (he had drug issues, alcohol problems, gambling debts, and enemies). Amidst everything else, I teach Sunday school, work a part-time job, serve on church council, etc. I have been running solid for 4 days, along with new anxiety/antidepressants since I don't feel like myself.  Hmmm, gee, I wonder why? (Insert sarcasm). Anywayyyyyyyyy.... my mom figures I am going to come home, eat dinner, and then help her randomly dig thru boxes that have been in our basement for more years then I care to admit. Nope, sorry, not tonight, no way.... you have been home all day, on the couch, watching TV. I've been working. I put my pj's on and I'm watching TV. End of story!!!!!

Is Christmas over yet?

I am stressed and broke.

What is going on? Why do I feel like this? The holidays are so hard. I can't wait until this is over.

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It's Monday morning and I am still coming off the weekend.

This weekend was a zoo. Friday I worked late, came home, made homemade pizza, did homework and watched a little tv. Saturday morning I got up, we went to a Christmas breakfast, and then I had to go help with our Sunday School Christmas Pageant practice... so we had 30+ kids running through the area, trying to sing, find their costumes, and learn their lines. By the time I helped fold costumes and clean up the lunch remnants, I went home and decided to take a nap, but first, I had to find that the cats knocked over our lamp and broke it, along with the screen on my son's cell phone. I went to bed, pulled the covers over my head, and said "GO AWAY!" I slept 2 hours, but that was useless. My son and I then went to visit a good friend for an hour and then we came home and had dinner. I did more homework and that was the end of me. Yesterday, I woke up early, had to be to church early, to open the doors and prep for the service. I then had to help with coffee hour, the christmas pageant, confirmation class... and the new problem of cyber-bullying on facebook, of my son. So, I was sending emails, along with running like a chicken with my head cut off. By the time I got home, I had such a headache. I send emails out and hit my facebook parents with a post, asking them to make sure their children aren't victims... or being the bullies. My brain hurt. I took another nap, with the cats. I did a little homework, but I preferred to have a meltdown instead. I cried and got angry. I am trying to be a good single mom, I am trying to protect my son, I am trying to go to school, I am trying to be supportive, I am trying to work hard, but I feel like I'm failing at everything. Melting down was definitely what I did. Then this morning I got up, came to work and then the phones quit working and the school already called me to handle the bullying... since it is internet-based, they are involving the police officer on campus. As I have told so many, this mama bear can be patient, but when she gets mad - watch out. And when anyone (at all) messes with my baby bear, there will be hell to pay. I am not a mama that gets mad - I get even... and I have claws...I am sooooooo ready to crawl back under the covers and call it a week... because tonight when I get home, I have to take a final exam for school. SHOOT ME NOW!!!!!!

Bullying

I have made my name known.  The school is aware. I have sent a message out to all adults on my Facebook as a sign to stop this.

I just want the world to know that bullying is not acceptable!!!

What to do?

How do you know what you were meant to do?

How do you know what your true calling is?

How do you know when you need to look elsewhere?

How do you know when God has other plans for you?

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I'm tired...

All weekend has been a long weekend. I have come to the conclusion that I am tired.

Not just exhausted tired, but fed up tired, beat down tired, worn out tired, and just sick and tired.

I have worked in an office, everyday, for over 25 years (since before I graduated high school), it takes me 10 years to get a vacation, and my weekends are slept away from exhaustion.

I am burnt. I am sick of the drive to work every morning. I am sick of getting up before the sun. I am sick of scraping the frost of f my windows. I am sick of going to work to be beat down and tied to my computer and phone. I am just sick of everything.

I would love to find a place in my life, where I can work from home, enjoy my son and my animals, have money to pay the bills, live comfortably, and have time for me.

Right now, I don't, and I am really starting to hate everything. My attitude is getting tired and beaten, and I really am getting more depressed every day. Oh yeah, it just dawned on me... I forgot my meds this morning. DAMN!!!!

This is gonna be a long flippin' day and I am NOT looking forward to it!

Traveling and Planning

Okay, so I am going on a trip... a vacation... first one in... well, let's just say "many" years.

I am one who has to plan - I am far from spontaneous. Drop everything and go? Only if I can make sure I have it planned. Anyway, we have had tickets for months now and the flight is around the corner. I know what I need to pack and know what to bring, but getting it from my list and brain into the suitcase is a whole different story.

(Unfortunately this is a part of my many flaws... I can plan and plan... and then power it out the 25th hour... just like Christmas shopping or planning a party... know it's coming, have all the plans, wait until the last minute to finish everything!)

Okay, anyway, back to the vacation on the horizon. This is my son's first trip and he is so excited that he is driving me crazy. He is packing and unpacking, counting hours and minutes, making lists and checking them twice, along with asking a million questions.

I, on the other hand, am stressing... making sure we have everything, making sure we won't have trouble getting through security, making sure we have enough money, making sure he has everything, hoping he has a good time, making sure everything gets done at work before I walk away from my desk for a few days... I stress over these things.

I just want everything to be perfect. I know I can't control EVERYTHING, but I like I think and hope I can. I just want him to have a good time and remember this for the rest of his life.

My biggest stressor is worrying about everyone else and hoping they have a good time. I don't worry about me... it's the rest of the world I worry about.

I just hope we have a good time... and I don't give myself an ulcer over all this!

my life...

I work everyday and go to school. I raise my son and try to keep my sanity. I want to blog, I want to write, I want to be happy.

I see what others do and how they have succeeded. I wish I could do that. Will I ever find happiness? Will I find a job that makes me feel smart and content? What is wrong with me? Will my life ever amount to anything? Or am I just over reacting????

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RemembeRED - Just before you start

Stephen King said, “The scariest moment is always just before you start. After that, things can only get better.”

I guess I have experienced that quote more than I wish to admit:

Changing jobs

Getting married

Getting divorced

Having my first (and only) child

Going back to school

and the list goes on...

There are truly days when I wonder what exactly am I getting myself into... and why I am purposely putting myself through the stress and anxiety????  Maybe it's the adrenaline? Maybe it's the sense of determination? Maybe it's the desire to succeed? Or maybe it's just insanity?

I know I am not the only one out there who has done this... and don't worry - you are not alone...

Bad week

This whole week has been rough and rocky... just an extension of last week.

Yesterday things happened that bugged me. Hell, might as well be honest.... they literally pissed me off! The day continued on the downward spiral and I continued to bite my tongue with each arising incident. It was not going well. I was ready to tell the whole world to take a long walk off a very short pier. Then, to add insult to injury, I filled my car with $30 worth of gas to have it drop $.06 per gallon! Oh hell, might as well add that I am bloated, feel like hell... and nothing fits!

Yep, this day isn't starting any better!

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